|
|
|
November 16th, 2009
09:50 pm - November
peppermint tea & twinkle lights & travel books & neil halstead & late evening procrastination.
I am cozy and taking coveted me time that i just love so much but have been neglecting.
|
April 17th, 2008
09:52 pm - con vino
Context is what counts. It's in here. It's muddy and mixed up, but it's here.
Archeological expertise, heartwrenching strings.
The quartet will be here in 20 minutes!
The quartet is not coming!
& so, another sip, and I love my body again.
(It's like my chest is connected to my entire body.) (My fucking heart beats & mixes with the oil paints and I fucking feel ALIVE again.)
Then the only thing left is me.
|
February 6th, 2008
01:19 am - things & things
life has been put on the back burner for the next week, thank you school. it's all just waiting for the next day, week, month, season, holy shit i'm already making plans for next next summer.
& as i walk, with no soundtrack but the splashes of city life busting through montreal slush, i am stuck by a scene in dazed & confused that has been on replay in my mind's eye for days (weeks, months, seasons, years?).
everday is a new years resolution (revolution!). today, today is what i live for. everyday is today, there is no tomorrow and yesterday simply dissolves (into what? i haven't been on a long enough walk to figure that out yet).
i don't think i care to see paris boy again. he was a today thing but he has dissolved into the puddle of yesterday.
Current Music: mmmmm quiet
|
January 27th, 2008
02:00 am
there comes a time in a girl's life where it is more than necessary that she is in nothing but a t-shirt & her underwear & sitting in the hallway of her residence for the best reception. there comes a time when editing is not necessary. there comes a time when you just have to let those parisienne boys kiss you when they say "kiss me, i'm parisienne".
hot damn,i love montreal.
|
January 15th, 2008
04:49 pm - there's a reason so many songs are dedicated to this city
not enough: candles, shirts, time for reading, initiative for reading, alcohol in my fridge, room in my belly for all the good food i got a provigo yesterday.
too much: facebook, crispy minis, reading, thinking about dead things (dead in finality, not soulless & decaying).
J called yesterday and handed me an opportunity. I'm still worried he's trying to pick me up.
Current Music: matt pond
|
January 12th, 2008
02:19 am - for real
i want to go to russia
|
December 17th, 2007
07:39 pm - you don't get it but i like it that way
sudden surge; choking with "please, anywhere but here right now." today is a special day because i would love to share my bed. come in, my blankets are soft from years and years of downey soft and tossyturny sleeps- none of that new life equals new sheets bogus for me. you can curl up on this end and read and i will stretch across you and study psychology and we can just be.
i would like it in writing that i will never be married. i don't know if it's the fact that i can't make eye contact with cute boys on buses, or that i can't stop thinking about the fact that marriages only last because people are too afraid to give up and be alone- i've always been cynical. it would be too hard to choose a maid of honour. plus, i already know that i am a quitter, a cut and splitter, so i'll just save myself the hassle.
montreal is up to its shoulders in snow. it's gust-y out there, but i brought back mom's boots (the ones that are as old as me) and i've been busting through snowbanks like a female and more articulate terminator. hasta la vista.
home is slowly becoming less home-y. it should be a sad thing, but it isn't. i'm not one to be particularly attatched to objects or notions. i'm losing the definition of nostalgia while my mom gradually turns my bedroom into her sewing room and the basement doesn't have the red carpet anymore.
Current Music: SlowDive- Ali Bartlett & Les Cooper
|
December 3rd, 2007
10:13 am - bears beat battlestar galactica
a cavalcade of priorities and obligations have just marched in, but i shall keep on keeping on. i should feel like sleeping beauty post prince (well rested), but i have an issue and it's called "avoid all obligations at all costs. go spend a weekend in the country. peruse the internet for hours and hours. anything to avoid what you actually have to do." - i think it's a disease, actually.
& i did spend my weekend in the country;
tea, baking, woodstove fires, baby cousins, snowboarding, snow up to my knees, winding roads, chimney smoke, good dinner, pancakes and waffles, aunts as mom substitutes, grandma's chicken soup, bath, no schoolwork. i'm going back to my grandma's on tuesday just because i feel like it, despite the fact that i just had an anti-social weekend and tuesday is my last chance to bounce back reputation-wise after last wednesday's hairy (puke-y) evening at superlaser.
+ last night i brought manisha, danielle and sara to Santa Lucia. if i could live and breathe a restaurant, it would be Santa Lucia. such good food, such the most amazing waiter who gave me my plate of spaghetti bolognese for free after i found a hair in it. i tipped him really well anyways, because he has been the best waiter ever (no hyperbole) since darien and i stumbled upon the the little italian restaurant two years ago.
silverlinings:
1) lovely people are going to be at the next installment of 'a court house party'. i'll dress up like i'm at the boys noize launch party and bruno can be the photographer (he's my cobrasnake/pregnantgoldfish/friendattack) and we will party party dance party until the cows come home (or my bleary eyed mother comes downstairs at 4 in the morning to tell us to go to sleep).
2) robyn is coming up. she already bought her bus ticket. you will just not think about the fact that all your friends are in one place at one time and good music is playing.
okay, so class technically class started 10 minutes ago. do i go? do. i. go? yeah, why not.
it is snowing spilled milk!
Current Music: Rufus Wainwright/ the office theme song
|
November 23rd, 2007
09:15 pm
i love this city i love this city i love this city.
i miss ballantrae.
& lists are easier:
sunday: best two hour dance class. guest artist. moved for 2 straight hours, never felt so in tune with myself and a group at the same time.
monday: i can't remember, which means i probably just came home and went on facebook
tuesday: the first snowfall of the year! a religious experience, the first snowfall. another fantastic dance class. horton for two hours and my legs and back muscles are still making it difficult to sleep. thought of dropping out of school to become a dancer. realized i'd be poor and disowned by my parent and would have to resort to selling my body on the corner of st. catherines and st. laurent with the trannies. ditched that idea.
wednesday: craig cardiff at the post-graduate society. must remember to have dinner there one day. darien came and we watched snowboarding movies and shared music and got there early and had good talks. craig played and there were candles and the lights we low and he played all the good ones and the last song was circus and he asked any couples in the audience to go to the back and slowdance. what a guy. walked home in the snowstorm.
thursday: slept in. procrastinated. learned about depression in psyc and remembered low low times in highschool and appreciated me here now. went for a walk with danielle. it was snowing softly and she bought me cookies and we linked arms like we were in grade 6 and walked through the ghetto and had good talks. real good talks.
friday: that's today. didn't go to econ. showered, ate a good breakfast. watched the news. dried my hair properly because i lost my hat on my drunk night between korova and the green room last week. good philo conference where it all started to seem worth it because i've started sewing together my own philosophies. quiche and curry for lunch. then the big adventure with new friend whitney; mission to mont-royal for boots, walkwalkwalk can't find it, ask a million french men for directions, just about to give up, ask one more french man "fairmont bagels?", he points to the building beside us, oooooh fresh montreal bagels so worth it, walk down st. laurent, can feel my hands can't feel my toes, whitney lost her wallet, walk back up st. laurent, no wallet sad whitney, we have green tea in a cute little cafe that looks like an old antique store that just decided to make tea and coffee and sell it, back outside in the freezing cold, freezing cold, finally! boots!, amazing shoe store x 2, wish i was a millionaire...or at least not dirt poor, buy whitney a 10$ pair of boots and her smile made the whole trip worth it and she promised to pay me back when her credit and debit cards weren't in someone else's pocket.
now i'm bundled up and thawing and having philosophical conversations over msn. danielle and sara invited me out to dinner but i'm too poor so when they come back we're going to cuddle and watch breakfast at tiffany's.
Current Mood: thaw-ing
Current Music: graceland
|
November 5th, 2007
08:34 pm
i think i ate poisoned berries. i did not rinse the ruby red rasberries before squishing them between my tongue and the roof of my mouth; sucking out all the juices before swallowing the leftover skins and seeds. pray that i will not meet the same fate as the poor sales clerk woman from the 'goodgirl'. i would like to die with all my guts, thank you very much.
sufjan is on repeat while i try to dance through the dizziness and achey belly and heavy limbs. see a lot of life in me, please, because right now it feels like i'm hanging onto mere threads. i'd rather be using them to floss the raspberry seeds from my teeth, anyways.
i cut my bangs tonight. they cover my blue eyes a little more than they used to. my eyes say a lot, and here, i have yet to meet someone that i can really talk to. contract, sustain. release, realize: it's time to hang on for me, not you. it's finally time.
i'm sorry, for whatever i did to make you act this way. i don't know whatelse i can do. get well soon, body of mine. (is this the opposite of epiphenominalism that prof said didn't exist?)
Current Music: The Dress Looks Nice on You
|
October 22nd, 2007
10:29 pm - ambiance
little room in montreal, je t'aime. my heart is swollen as i flip through memories in time with a nostalgic playlist. hey mom, i grew up. i'm coasting here, i haven't transitioned yet; it's been too smooth, too easy. and it's hard to sit down and focus on what i came here to do when my imagination (as real as anything, thank you descartes) takes me to russia and nepal and all of south and central america. i have a crush on mountains, the exotic, and all things latino. russia is as far away as you can get.
montreal seems so homey when you walk down the street and see more people you know than you can count on two hands, then i think of mom's cooking and dad's singing and stacey's crafts and ali's words and my stomach drops to my knees and the only thing that makes it feel better is curling up in bed and watching gilmore girls until the sun goes to sleep.
i love amaretto in my tea. lately i've figured out the difference between dignity and humility.
Current Location: little room, petite chambre, cuarto pequeno
Current Music: highschool anthems
|
October 11th, 2007
01:13 pm - sweet shades inside
the novelty of this city simultaneusly wearing off and building up. i am all the way in montreal and mother still finds ways to guilt me into doing my homework and cleaning my room. but that's only sometimes. the rest of my days are filled with independence and tea with amaretto and sitting in my room with boys with the door closed.
matt was sitting on my bed and warren and mark came and tossed a condom at us. that is so awkward it makes my liver hurt. too bad for matt though, because only one boy has been able to bed me so far and that took months and months of patience and being a good boyfriend. i am getting sick of being a girl trying to be friends with boys. it's not working anymore. that kotex man lies lies lies.
when i talk to my mom about wishing i was a boy, i think she takes me literally and makes funny, strained faces while she tries to be a good, supportive mother. don't worry mom, i'm keeping my vag... for now. there is a he/she at school. he/she/it wears spikey heels and dresses that show off masculine (but nicely shaved and tanned) legs. i know that Joseph? Josephine? was a man first because his/her voice is deep and carries through the halls. plus, i've checked it out and he/she has a a boy bum. boy bums are very distinct, as bri and i have observed.
seeing real friends this weekend has killed any initiative that i may have possessed to make new friends here. i only have bests at home. no one will dance with me here. everyone is too busy studying or eating $2 hamburgers.
now i'm going to go and talk about descartes and do my best to piece my limited knowledge of spanish into an stunning essay that will get me an A.
Current Music: only mirah and electronica for days and days
|
September 28th, 2007
12:02 am
i'm finding my niche! i have a full calendar, just as i always have, and just as i hope i always will. here is a real update of what has been going on in my lovely new life:
+ i audtitioned for mcgill's modern dance collective last week and made it. it made my ego feel great but my body still aches
+ i think i am joining a sorority. it's so un-me, but i think that's why i'm going for it. this week i've been RUSH-ing, which mainly involves getting dressed up, visiting each chapter's headquarters and eating delectable treats while indulging in senseless small-talk. i have become quite the conversationalist- mom will be proud. today i sipped blue lemonade and pink lemonade and nibbled minny quiches and chocolate covered strawberries. the girls of Theta are so intelligent and fashionable and sweet, i would sing the stupid sisterhood song if it mean i could hang out with them. i watched a slideshow with pictures of black and gold balls, trips to mountain chalets, and lots of hugs and kisses. sheryl crow and betty crocker were both part of the Theta sisterhood.
+ i have a tea and scones date with a lovely girl that wears pretty clothes and likes butterflies (post- another roadside attraction, i will never look at butterflies the same again)
+ thanksgiving is next weekend and i am going to try to cut out of dinner early to go to nuit blanche with Keifer and Dan-o because they make me laugh and feel great
+ i wonder who i will see when i am home, i wonder what my bed will feel like
+ i am craving Gilmore Girls, so thank goodness i have a date to go over to darien and maria's tomorrow to swim and sauna and eat and soak in the glory of Lorelai and Rory (and maybe a little bit of andy milonakis)
+ Craig Cardiff is coming to montreal in december and i am helping with posters and publicity
+ the 4th floor boys make me laugh so much and come a knock-a-knockin' at my door every day. i'm glad i have them, i need brothers as much as i need sisters.
i have a to-do list of montreal adventures taped to my wall. i love staying up to see the clock strike 3.
Current Music: someone is playing a harmonica outside my window
|
September 26th, 2007
03:25 pm - plato is breathing down my neck
today i am doing as rory did: sitting under my study tree. it fits my back just right and grants me the perfect sun/shade ratio.
last night i regressed into an ugly stage of highschool that i've been trying to leave behind. lastnight i was alone, drunk & distracted. the days are still so warm and it feels like i just got here. at night, i stare out of my big bay window and will myself to sleep but i am becoming more & more of an insomniac as the weeks go by and the stress builds up.
i keep having to remind myself that i'm really here. i really did it. i keep having to remind myself that this is time for a new life and that it's time to find the silver and just remember that the gold will be at home waiting for me.
lonely is so last year.
(a middle aged man with pierced ears and waist high shorts walked by me and he smelled like you. that's the thing about generic colognes; everyone smells like your ex-boyfriend.)
Current Music: city streets
|
September 7th, 2007
08:37 pm - perspective, perspective
my grandmother's house is my definition of comfort. my new room, with the overflowing laundry hamper, piles of dishes, clutter and crumbs from eating cheese & crackers in bed, is not exactly that. in montreal i am alone for the majority of my day. i wake up to an empty room, shower in an empty bathroom (unless you count the long strands of wet, black hair that keep me company while i lather, rinse, repeat), walk to class alone, sit in an auditorium with strangers on both my left and my right. i eat with strangers and make small talk to ebb the awkward silence (though, i think i would perfer eating in silence so i don't have to worry about chewing really fast & swallowing in order to tell the thousandth person where i'm from & what i'm studying). i wasted frosh by sleeping in until 4 in the afternoon. i didn't take advantage of the free beer tent. i either skipped the events, or left after being there for and hour. i'm in a city brimming with potential and i constantly feel like there's nothing to do but watch knocked up in the common room for the third time in one day.
my new room has a massive window that takes up the majority of one of my four walls. it opens up by swinging open and lets the city air seep into my room.
|
June 11th, 2007
04:09 am
crazy and beautiful. i want him to tickle me and annoy me and squish me while i'm trying to read or study or do something equally studious and responsible (unlike staying up until 4 in the morning fiddling on YouTube). i want him to be so spontanteous that i can hardly keep up (but i always will, obviously). he needs to be tall and strong, he doesn't need a 6 pack or anything (perfect bodies on boys aren't that attractive anymore, which is probably conveinient considering the freshman 15 i'm in for), but he needs to be able to carry me after a long night of party fun. perfect jawline, brown eyes, perfect smile. not too much beard, but not baby bum bare either. accidentally well dressed. dark clothing most of the time. brown hair (am i getting too specific?) that's long enough so i can brush it out of his eyes when i'm trying to read him. full lips (but not too full as to avoid too wet kisses), and hands that will take up the entire small of my back. a boy who looks like a man who plays with me and naps with me and discovers with me and forgets my birthday and surprises me endlessly to make up for it. a boy who is completely unpredictable.
that's not so much to ask, right?
Current Music: the birds are awake
|
May 21st, 2007
02:40 am
CATCHUP! (for memory's sake)
- Amnesty Cafe was so absolutely wonderful. I lost all my lyrics and i forgot my words at least once in every song but there was a spot light and stools (for comfort) and everyone lent their full attention and i gave them all that i could in return. God, i love it there. singing talking, i am so comfortable up there, in my element, without Uch marking me on my posture or my breath support. All in all we did so well and we had a sing along and people clapped and cheered.
- One saturday after work and a nice cat nap, jesse called me and told me to come over. he made me a fancy and oh-so-tastey gourmet dinner and we ate it and played scrabble. then we went to bri's where i felt left out because i didn't know all the words to this song and i'm not a boy so i wasn't allowed to play flip cup. tristan and i danced and danced to JT and got a bunch of "that is so impressive" and "did you guys choreograph this?". in a moment of complete sponteneity (& spizzle's nagging), stef and i borrowed what we could from bri's bathing suit drawer and jumped in the hot tub with boxer-clad boys. i ruined my favourite bra and my bandana is permanently stiff with chlorine.
- Dance Access is basically over now. I think i just have a general affinity for the stage. i love dancing- in any element.
- I basically didn't go to class all week.
- HOLY MOTHER FUCKING SHIT, friday was amazing. first and foremost, I GOT INTO MCGILL. all the afterschool shit, and night school and dance access and staying up into the wee hours of the night. they are all worth it. mom called while bri, dana, darien and i were driving to pick up kevin. " baskjdjfdfjdf... mcgill," said mom. "pardon?" i asked. "you heard me," she replied with a cheeky tone. "no... seriously." "you got into mcgill." "OMG."
i skipped and jumped and hyperventilated in kevin's driveway after the initial shock wore off.
then, after a pit stop at moore's for prom vest renting, and some illegal double line crossing, we hopped on the subway to see damien rice. we shopped and shopped and i bought my prom earrings for five dollars from a kiosk in dundas square. i danced with a crazy old foreign man who is too wonderful and puzzling for words to the music of a family of dredlocked children and their dad. off to massey hall, where the seats were great and i sat beside darien and at first that seemed weird but then it seemed fitting. damien was amazing, his set was absolutely perfect. i had to run down x flights of stairs during 'woman like a man' due to an inconveniently over active bladder. we linked pinkies for a special song.
- now i have to decide: dalhousie or mcgill. i think a pro & con list is in order, but i'm so scared that it will be dal after working for mcgill all these years. mcgill feels right when i say it.
|
April 30th, 2007
02:09 am
my oh my! it's april 30th and i am suddenly in the mood to listen to the wreckers or michelle branch. hello 2:10 am, we meet again. since the fatefully unexpected (but kind of sort of expected) night, there was a hint of something, and now, inevitably, nothing. obviously, really. i was in such a good groove, but drunken catalysts and flingy secret rende-vous' have sent me back to GO (without the $200). lately, weeks and weekends have been quiet and empty and anytime spent with outsiders has been empty as well. i can't remember the last time that i had FUN. a night in with beer and the gilmore girls trumps a night out with beer and people i am going to forget about in a couple months.
another contributor to the loss of my comfortably uncomfortable feeling is the other W. he makes me question things i've never questioned before (but i would never tell him that). what if there is some big guy up their waiting for me with either a sweet embrace or a finger pointed down down down (way damned down). no no, that all seems so naive to me, and i can tell myself this over and over again, but it doesn't stop the lonely feeling while i sit cross-legged on my bed fighting the niggling feeling in the pit of my stomach. i'm not lonely for another human being (human-kind is such a let down), i think it's that i feel abanoned by all of my aspirations and goals.
oh, but i have one thing to look forward to, that is for sure. hello arts camp. technically, the cat is not in the bag YET, as i have not recieved an official document declaring my role as counsellor for session '07, but come on... it's gotta happen. i've already started to plan outfits, but it's futile because i'm just going to end up packing everything i own anyways.
i have two assignments that are at least a week and a half over due but i just can't bring myself to do them. lija made fun of me for taking a book out of the library today, and i went to anne's to make music and eat crispy delights.
|
April 16th, 2007
12:34 am
fishies at 12:34am give me stomach aches, and i know this, but i suck on them anyways. this was one of the slowest and most uneventful weekends of the year, but i held on tight because it was still full. i like reaping the benefits of hard work; today, it was $335 in my checking account. money money money, it's funny because it really is a rich man's world. i had a sinking epiphany the other day when i realized that this is the end of it. never again will i just have a 'summer'. after june 27th i am expected to work for the rest of my life. sometimes i forget that i am part of the working class and that clearing tables and teaching broken and solid chords in the c major scale are all part of survival. if it really is survival of the fittest, then i am doomed because i haven't danced in a month and i think i was a princess in my last life. i belong in rich hotels with 10000000 thread count sheet and i belong in chanel flats and balenciaga tunics.
48 hours of mapping were worth it because i am getting a 94 in world issues and i don't care how absurd that is because i just up-ed the ante a bit. (mmmm fishies)
[the most unexpected (but kind of sort of expected) thing happened and it rocked my temporarily comfortable world. i guess that is okay because i've recently adopted uncomfortable as my new comfortable and i am trying that out for size. W calls me lover and girlfriend and lovely and beautiful and georgeous and he makes me feel giddy and girly like he has since grade 6. this weekend i learned that socializing is only good when there is a catalyst involved and that robyn is my bestbestbest.]
|
March 30th, 2007
01:33 am
the next thing i know it's going to be 2 am. the next thing i know it's going to be september and this will be a laptop and this will be a dorm and this will be new and untouched because this is so soon. this, this this. i've been accepted to Bishop's University and Dalhousie University and i am waiting on McGill; so unsure. so surely unsure. i am sure that somewhere in my gene pool there is a codon for "fucking idiot" because i have an essay due in the morning and i haven't really done anything on it. alas, maybe i don't really want to go to mcgill after all.
night school is most certainly my favourite time and place. i am the only white girl and i get made fun of and they all hate me and i am a racist by default but i love all the brown kids and my teacher so much. that's the thing about me: i just love. even when i'm laugh/crying because i can't decide which one to feel; i love. nothing in particular, but i love love love. i am bitter and catty and down and dumb and i love. it fills my blood, plushing up my little red platelets, this love for nothing in particular. it's not supposed to be analysed, i can tell.
this is getting silly so i'll list
THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO/ WORK FOR
- Amnesty Cafe
- Damien Rice
- Prom
- Arts Camp
- Finishing highschool
- Costa Rica
- money money money
- leaving here for there
friends mean nothing to me anymore. people mean nothing to me lately, but i love to be around them. i like feeling alone when i'm not alone. I am alone and/but i like it that way. i like it that way a lot. those people mean nothing to me anymore, but i enjoy their company and i think that is what company is anyways. i am a closed system, static, in a dynamic world and i love.
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
swanxsongx's journal